There were little things to love like this, things to swoon over even in a place you know you have no wish to live. There were not a million things to visit, and this time of year, it is raw and cold. I would not want to live there, I have to admit. I would not love it there for all of those perceived faults. But the things that I liked, I loved, and I suppose that was enough.
Not many others would choose it as a vacation destination, but it suited me just fine.
I came back with all kinds of intentions to write, with all kinds of intentions to do all sorts of things. Instead, in the few days I had left, I did other things, other things just as solitary. I'm really inside of my head these days, but yet, I haven't figured anything out. I have a feeling I have a confession to make, but I have no idea what it is I am on the verge of admitting.
How are you? he had asked, feeling, maybe for the first time in all the time we'd known each other, self-conscious of speaking so much about himself. But that's not why the question stunned me. The question stunned me because I had no answer beyond the false, the feigned. I can muster a fine, but what does that mean? I'm used to feeling misunderstood by other people, even my closest friends. I am not used to not knowing myself. It's not a problem of articulation these days.
I could tell what he wanted to say, that this whole thing had been a bad idea, had obviously thrown me into a tailspin. But maybe a tailspin is a normal reaction to the intensity, to the upheaval, to getting exactly what you want, and then wondering, what next?
At any rate, for now, I return. But I'll leave you with this exchange to show you it's not all dressing in black and reading Camus over here:
- me: It's a guilty pleasure, I know, but I have to admit that I really love Persuasion.
SP: How is Persuasion a guilty pleasure? That's Jane Austen, it's classic literature.
me: Come on, it's kind of a guilty pleasure.
SP: Confessions of a Shopaholic, now that's a guilty pleasure.
me: No, that's just guilty.
Well, at least SP thought it was funny.