Friday, April 18, 2008

with everything changing, how am I to know

Here's the deal. I'm going to skip out on blogging for a bit, in case that was not already abundantly clear. I'll return in a few short weeks, when I get a temporary respite from classes, to see if there is anything I really have to say.

See, I don't want to putter away at it anymore. One of the reasons I am so bad at keeping in touch with close friends (B, I know I owe you a minimum of two lengthy emails!) is that I do not like doing things half-a$$ed, despite a world of evidence to the contrary. I find I have to immerse myself in something or someone to determine whether I really want it. That can be hard when you're on the receiving end, as it appears as though I am running hot and then cold.

And then there are the things that follow out of convenience and habit, and those are the things I fear. I've bucked some friendships over the past year, and am currently excising myself from a few developing friendships because I see why they've evolved, and they're not the right reasons. They were a product of living in a hot neighborhood that people frequented or coveted, or of sharing the same coworkers, or (nowadays) of sharing the same classmates or class schedule. Some of that is inevitable. But the process of sussing out the gems (because there are some) from the cubic zirconium (of which there are far more) is not simple, especially when time is in short supply and spent pondering much less introspective matters.

It's been like that with all sorts of other things too- baking, cooking, knitting, blogging, staying healthy. It sounds awfully stupid when written down like that, but there are a finite number of things one can put their effort into while in this sort of educational process. Everyone makes choices, exchanges out some things for others. I'm lucky in that I came into school with certain sources of peace, because school is not the place to cultivate such hobbies. But nevertheless, the adage holds true- you can't have it all.

And then there is also the small, inconsequential matter of honesty, of authenticity. Except that it's not so small, not so inconsequential.

But I don't want to answer any of these questions right now, not when I feel like figuring it out is a luxury. And so, this is what I'm hoping to do. When I return, I will write as frequently as I can, as regularly as I can, because I will have the time for it. If nothing of any interest comes out, if I still feel I'm writing a bunch of cryptic nonsense, then at least I'll know a natural end has been reached. Regardless, for any of you who have been reading, I have appreciated your patience, not to mention all the kindness you have showered over me in the past years.

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