It is the end of what may seem to some an uneventful day. In the morning, I transferred frozen tilapia to the refrigerator to thaw. Since everyone has been moving away, I have been inheriting all sorts of things I would never usually use- thus, tilapia. Then I baked a batch of chocolate chip cookies under the guise of needing to test out my new oven. I did a load of new laundry in my new washer. I went to my old apartment and packed some final boxes, then returned to the new place and unpacked them.
Having cried uncle by the late afternoon, I asked AP to come help me position some of the more awkward items (ladder, a large framed Modigliani print, the usual stuff) into my car. She came over in the late evening, and we both had a hearty laugh at how ridiculously sweltering it was in my old apartment.
Sometimes you do not realize how bad things were, or how your circumstances were affecting your happiness until you've moved on. That has been a big theme of late for me. I could not explain why I felt so much happier the past few days, or why I was sleeping like a rock. It did not occur to me until AP and I were sitting at the dining table sipping iced tea (if ever you should be looking for a good choice for making Iced Tea, wow, Good Earth is fantastic for this purpose), she nibbling on the cookies I had baked, me playing with the table mat while urging her to watch Justified. Only then did I realize how much happier I am now than I have been, perhaps for the past few years.
It's so inexplicable, how we go from a place of deep sadness, to numbness, to contentment, to sudden, sincere happiness. The progression is a mystery. Medical students used to joke fake it til you make it, and I wonder if there is not some component of that to life in general.
AP begged off, and it was late, but the tilapia were waiting, thawed. I roasted them in the oven while making mashed potatoes. When the filets emerged from the oven, I placed one hot on a bed of baby spinach. I stood at the kitchen counter for a moment, staring at the plate. And then I sat down and had dinner, and felt a wave of all sorts of emotions. I can't really explain it in any other way except to say: I'm back.