don't wish it away, don't look at it like it's forever

I have no pictures to share for this post. Right before I started internship, I realized that my digital camera was purchased in 2001. I'll pause for a moment and let the few folks reading recover from hysterics.

There. Anyway, I'm horrible at the taking of photographs as it is, and even worse at remembering to take a photograph when it might come in handy. I guess, in the current age, that makes me something of a weirdo. Well, that among other things. And it is interesting, because every once in a while, I start to wonder if some of the strange absurdities of my life really happened since I didn't document it onto Facebook or commit it to film or photograph.

Luckily, I always have the words. If I didn't write the words, then it must not have been very important is my thinking.

So let me write these words. Two sentences, stated. And then maybe I'll ramble some more.

1) I made cinnamon cupcakes and frosted them with chocolate ganache and they were met with enthusiasm.

2) Internship is, indeed, a rollercoaster ride.

About the first point, there is little to say except I wish I had taken a picture of the little things. Even though the macaron class I took was probably way beyond my expertise and even though I'll likely never successfully recreate the macarons the way I was taught during that lesson, I did learn from that class to get over my illogical fear of pastry bags. Yes, I've now become quite comfortable with piping frosting. I don't think I'll ever be an expert decorator or anything, but it's nice to be able to at least frost a cupcake with a little swirl, that was described by one of the more humorous residents as "professional-like."

About the second point, there is much more to write, but nothing which would be in any way novel or interesting. I suspect every intern feels like this during the beginning of their year. Every time you think you have figured a few things out and you may actually be getting the hang of things, something happens that makes you feel incompetent and makes the learning curve seem hopeless. It's quite the contrast to 4th year of medical school, during which the powers that be act like you are a genius if you can manage to speak without drooling out of the side of your mouth. Now, there's always this feeling of "why don't you know this?" pervading every piece of feedback I've gotten daily.

And every day, I have to stop and realize that this is a universal feeling, and I don't know why everyone acts surprised every year that the interns are clueless. No one has really been prepared for the job, no matter how hard you work during medical school. And even if, by some miracle, you learned how to do your job properly at some point, too bad, because you get whisked off to another rotation before you've had a chance to really get your bearings.

Every day, I have to stop and remind myself of my goals. I have to remind myself that I'm not striving to be a meticulous note-taker, or to be so efficient that I can round on eight patients in 30 minutes in the morning. Yes, these are necessary evils which one must somewhat master during internship, but it's not where my focus is, nor where it will remain, in the long-term.

Then I have to also remind myself that I'm only 4 weeks into working inpatient medicine, which means, I am still in the preemie/newborn phase of internship. There's still a long ways to go, and I, as well as it, will get better. My real goal is to learn how to care for patients properly, and to do that while still maintaining a personality and an ability to interact with people as if they were human beings and not medical record numbers. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.