Wednesday, September 05, 2012

hit the ground upright

Maitri in her usual kick-ass manner posted a comment that said everything that I could ever want to say about all the hesitation I've had for so long:
"I always wish folks Good Luck before things like this (even if I have only the slightest clue about what you're about to embark on), because whatever the outcome, dithering about it is worse. Whatever the outcome, poop or get off the pot. A lot of life is simply and honestly pressing forward into that cone of uncertainty."

Indeed, indeed, and I am here to report that pressing forward has never felt so good. I guess that's how I am. When I come to an end, I've already hashed it out and come through so many false starts and stops that I am well and truly done, all the way. I don't mind that about myself- maybe it takes me longer to get to where I need to go, but I can live with myself better as a result.

And success and failure are blurred lines sometimes. An end can seem like a failure when in fact it is a success. One train may hide another.

Either way, there's just no denying- now I am happy, relieved and happy. Out of a holding pattern, able to fly forward. And it wasn't anger or misery that brought this to a resolution. It was calm and contentment and an appeal to compassion. Which was one route I'd never previously tried, and wow, what have I been waiting for all these years?

I know I'm being aggravatingly vague; that's sort of my thing. I've removed a toxic substance from my system, and I knew I wasn't strong enough to purge it myself. So I asked the demon to show a little pity- and it did. I guess I should have been crushed, or heartbroken, but I wasn't. I felt for the first time in a long time like I was truly free.

Then I made a goat cheese, caramelized onion, and mushroom tart, and my friend MG and I drank home brewed sweet tea vodka with freshly squeezed lemonade. And life felt very, very right.


Maitri said...

I've removed a toxic substance from my system, and I knew I wasn't strong enough to purge it myself

Funny that you said this. Because that little pep talk you quoted is something I sometimes have to tell myself before I get on the treadmill to sweat out the last night's overindulgence.

I also like that the URL attached to my name goes to Error - Not Found. 404, so typical.

brimful said...

Actually, that is so typical- of my inability to do anything tech-related successfully! Sorry about that, link should be fixed now.

Thanks for reminding me that I need to get my feet on a treadmill soon- there are more ways to remove toxic substances than I sometimes acknowledge!