Saturday, September 01, 2012

I've been here before and I deserve a little more

Wish me luck, because tomorrow is going to be something of a reckoning.

It's a mess of my own design. An agreement to walk through fire, even though it won't be enough, won't change anything.

Strangely, though, it's sandwiched, buffered with love. In the morning, I'm to go to the farmer's market with a close, old friend. In the evening, my brother and sister-in-law are paying a visit. There are others too. I'm not nearly any semblance of alone. And for that, I am so, so grateful, and feel so, so safe.

So I should not be so scared. But the heart, regardless of how strong it may seem outwardly, logically, is a fragile thing, and it won't take much to crack it a tad more. And having just rediscovered this belly laugh, the one that comes from within the heart and tells of exuberant, unfettered joy without any 'except for's, I am not so inclined to lose it.

As a talisman, my kitchen's become a tornado zone. I made cookie dough, but I had much bigger aspirations. There was orange juice left over from a recent brunch, and it's been taunting me in the refrigerator for the past several days. I'm a little bit of a priss- anything but fresh squeezed orange juice gives me pretty bad stomach aches, so I avoid it myself. A little web research and I had found an orange cupcake recipe to hack. I already have made a light, subtly citrus-y frosting ready. I've become really taken by meringue buttercream frosting, probably because it is a bit labor-intensive, but also because it is smoother than most other homemade frostings and involves none of the nuisance of sifting confectioner's sugar. It's also excellent for icing, which has also become a thing that is a welcome distraction (update: the results below! Not very orange-y, but not bad for a first attempt.). All in all, not a bad way to keep my mind off things.

1 comment:

Maitri said...

An agreement to walk through fire, even though it won't be enough, won't change anything.

I always wish folks Good Luck before things like this (even if I have only the slightest clue about what you're about to embark on), because whatever the outcome, dithering about it is worse. Whatever the outcome, poop or get off the pot. A lot of life is simply and honestly pressing forward into that cone of uncertainty.