Thursday, August 04, 2005

all the company calls amount to one paycheck

The price I am paying for the whinging is getting barraged with work, and to-do's. Maybe that is the natural process: b*tch, slack, get swamped, become too busy to have time to complain. Rinse, lather, repeat.

Today, I was told that I "really established myself as a leader in the department in the past few months." I threw up in my mouth a little when I heard that.

I then entertained myself by fantasizing an immediate retort of, "Thanks, I'm quitting." It was an anti-emetic of sorts. I use this daydream all the time to keep myself from really going loopy at work. Every time I am at a staff meeting, and the discussion is opened up for general announcements, in my heart of hearts, I am playing out the scenario where I jump up and go, "Yes, I'd like to announce that I'm done with the checking of the bags. I just want to do what I want to do. Suck it, suckers!" Yes, even in my spare time, I like to fill my head with Ben Stiller quotes.

But really, my ultimate workplace fantasy is to get walked off the premises. I know that sounds like I've totally gone off the reservation (that was a Wedding Crashers shout-out). But I think it will mean I've really made the big time if that day ever came. Companies usually let you give two weeks' notice, gather up your things, dump incriminating files from your computer, whatever. When I quit one job, my supervisor tried to talk me into staying for three more months (my response was "I don't think you really understand the concept of quitting.") But if you're muy importante, un jeffe grande, you get the walk off (see, there's another quote- I'm not even trying!). You get two hours to pack up your things while a guard watches carefully to make sure you're not taking any non-personal items, and you get physically escorted off the premises. I have seen it happen, and it's really quite impressive. The other perk? Two weeks of paid vacation.

I guess you can get to a point where you know too much about company secrets. I'm thinking, of course, of Kai-Fu Lee. Talking about being the belle of the ball- it must be rather flattering to have Microsoft and Google's law teams battling it out on your behalf. And here's the kicker: Lee gets 12 months of paid leave from Google while he's barred by Microsoft from working for them. Gee... life sure is rough up at the top.

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