you take it on faith, you take it to the heart

Talk about your one-two punches: for in-flight entertainment, I managed to read all of Ha Jin's Waiting, and to watch Million Dollar Baby. When I got home from the airport, it seemed only fitting to watch the series finale of SFU. It reminded me of a day many, many years ago. I was in Newark, New Jersey for a conference. It was the first time I had really ever been in Newark outside of the airport. Everything around the conference was rundown and desolate. It just happened to be a grey day, but I wondered if it ever really could be sunny in Newark. As E and I drove by the boarded-up brownstones, through the streets where the sidewalks had periodic clusters of people huddled together, we turned and looked at each other sadly. We shrugged, and went to go watch Leaving Las Vegas. If you're going to be gripped with despair, you might as well get as much of it over in one sitting as possible.

Maybe, just maybe, I have a stalker. When I was getting ready to board the plane on Monday, HR from the interview called me on my cell phone. Then she called six times the next day- twice each to my cell phone, home phone, and work voicemail. And I had already called her back once during this craziness. Truth be told, I am partially to blame. I am trying to avoid her, to hold her off until the end of the week. Even though I might seem like I quite relish telling people to go shove it, I am actually completely uncomfortable turning down jobs. Besides which, I have not decided for sure that I am turning down this job. Let me tell you, this made for really fun conversation last night with both maisnon and SP. Since I am easily annoyed by other people's shortcomings, I try to vigilantly monitor slipping into the hypocrisy zone. I am pretty sure I am wearing everyone down with this ambivalence.

It is the first time in a long while that a decision has been so murky. I could draw up a list of advantages and disadvantages, but I lack the ability to weigh my options. There is a voice in my head that keeps saying, "you need more data." But at a certain point, there is also the law of diminishing returns to consider. You can analyze a decision from every angle, gather up all the information in the world, but there is always a level of uncertainty that can never be eliminated.

Meanwhile, time is passing by. Reading Waiting is a nice wake up call that reiterates that deceptively obvious point. It is literally the manifestation of life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. Books like this are a kind of torture. I did not necessarily love this book, but it haunts me. It crawls into the folds of my brain, and keeps recurring. It woke me up in the middle of the night: I hope I am not sleepwalking. I hope I am not waiting for something I might one day not want. Waiting articulated a notion I have always held- the act of waiting can damage desire.