Tuesday, October 10, 2006

if you were wrong, it would still be the same fade to black

After three days around coworkers (if I had a video camera, I could have posted an Office spoof on YouTube, so eerily did the last few days mirror such hell), and what feels like three years worth of relentless uncertainty, I have to say something. It will be a little raw and brutal, but then, that's not all so unexpected coming from me. I do not mean to unleash, but sometimes, I just get tired of putting on an even-keeled expression. And I do not write to celebrate myself.

I am weary and worn down, and when I am weary and worn down, I just want to be alone. But that is the thing. I do not really want to be alone. There is a very specific type of person I want to be around right now.

And it is not necessarily my closest friend. Right now, if W lived in this country, I would still stay miles away. And it is not some ex-boyfriend from a tortured relationship. Q would drive me to drink (more than I already do) at this point. It is not a big loan from the girl zone, either.

I know it sounds like I am a small child kicking and screaming, throwing a tantrum without a point. In your head right now, you're preparing to tell me, "Use your grown-up words." Articulation, always a problem for me. But, in this case, it's something, someone very specific I am thinking of.

And because I can't put my finger on it, I describe through a process of elimination. Not a witty person- I am too tired for a quick wit, for tireless teasing. It usually makes me laugh, but right now, it feels hurtful. Not a bubbly person- medicated people scare me, because it seems inevitable that they'll come off the high, and I will have to be there to clean up the crash. Not a cynical person- I am plenty pessimistic without an assist from anyone else.

No one like me. No one exactly opposite to me. I think I might know what I am craving right now, but it sounds thoroughly hypocritical to admit it. And, strangely, I associate it wholly with the east coast. It's so strange to me that San Francisco, a place I adore so completely, where I feel so at home, nonetheless seems to be lacking in one important aspect. Reliable, solid people seem nowhere to be found.

It's probably as much my fault as it is any San Franciscans. It is likely not fair for me to indict an entire city, when I have not made the necessary effort. Half of having reliable, solid friends is being a reliable, solid friend yourself, and investing the time to make that happen. But the other half is the part I can't get out of my head.

You see, I always had one foot out the door in New Jersey. Most people who knew me there were aware that I was restless, a molecule in some uncomfortable, unstable, excited state. In other words- not that unlike who I am today. Yet, I had a ride to the airport. I had a friend who would change a flat tire in a middle of a hurricane. There were people who took me in and fed me. Yes, people were living perhaps a conventional life, walking a well-trod path. But they had their feet on the ground. Drama was a fairly foreign concept.

My friend JS, just such a solid person, was someone I only spent time with at work. But he was probably the most good-hearted, the most real person I have ever met in my life. I am known as someone who begs off compliments- it is actually not a hallmark of modesty, but rather skepticism. But when JS would say something nice to me, well, I still get the warm fuzzies thinking about that, because he is sincere, he has absolutely no agenda, and he expects nothing in return. When he said something comforting to me, I could feel how rarely good he was.

So I know it sounds ridiculous, it sounds cheesy, and it certainly would get me kicked out of my hipster, jaded neighborhood. But all I really want right now is to be around a good person. Go ahead and throw your tomatoes. You needn't worry, because here's the rub: I do not deserve that which I demand.

No comments: