never sure when I need you, pleased to meet you

This post feels overdue, even though I don't have anything in particular to say.

I'll tell you the truth. It feels like I've joined some sort of club unintentionally. I just want to use the pool for a swim, but instead I'm stuck with a bunch of a$$holes- it comes with the price of admission, I know, but I don't like what it brings out in me. It brings out in me the desire to be vicious to people who wallow in unwarranted self-pity. Unfortunately, that also means it brings out in me the tendency to isolate myself when I am feeling a bit brooding or overwhelmed.

For the most part, that is okay. Every other Monday we have a test, and so, every other Monday all the good will I have started to feel towards my fellow classmates disappears and gives way to complete annoyance. For the most part, I do not like these people and the way they react to stress, even still.

And so I go back to playing the alien, a role I've played for years now, it seems. The role of someone perpetually on the outside looking in. But when do I start to live the moment rather than observe it? Is it self-consciousness that makes me turn the world around me into a slide under a microscope, or is it simply a coping mechanism to deal with the constant nonsense cluttering the world around me?

I've started to classify my classmates:

• Baby Geniuses. Pretty self-explanatory.
  
  
• Muppet babies. Also pretty self-explanatory- these are the people that tend to herd around each other and constantly want to know how everyone else is doing in classes even though a) we are not graded on a curve and b) for the mother****ing millionth time, the classes are pass-fail.
  
  
• You down with OMG!? These (mostly) girls tend to laugh a little too loud, are irrationally bubbly and omg, love everything. They love school, they love studying, they love life. And they will not have you thinking otherwise. In other words, you're likely to see them break out into a messy sobbing fit by the end of the year.
  
  
• Silent but deadly. These jerks are fairly smart, but are one of those intelligence-hoarders. Even at a pass-fail school without a mean, they are not helping anyone. They are, however, perfectly fine with taking any manner of help you wish to provide them.
  
  
• I have lived! These people tend to make me coo over them, because I find it cute that people think they've had a lot of life experience because they've worked for 1-2 years before going back to school. They also tend to think they're more mature/sensible than everyone in the class, which is equally funny and cute.
  
  
• Fonzies. These (mostly) guys tend to crack me up the most. A lot of swagger, tend to make bold statements about how everyone needs to calm down. A lot of "Ha! What a bunch of nerds!" comments. Definitely goes home and crawls under a desk into the fetal position if anything goes wrong in exams. These guys have interestingly started to quiet down over the past week...
  
  
• #1 Stunna/Gunners. Pretty obvious. I sort of have begrudging respect for gunners because a) they can usually back that sh*t up and b) at least they're being totally transparent about their intentions, which mostly involve squashing anyone in their path and matching to dermatology or orthopedics. However, occasionally, they're really arrogant pricks to the instructors and something in my genetics gets very offended when teachers are at all disrespected. (Side note: one gunner told me last week that he thinks basic science research is a "****ing joke" and that no basic science researchers should be allowed to teach class. Do you know how hard I had to work to suppress a "oh no you di'nt!"?)
  
  
• Cry Me a River Club. Also known as recent graduates of the George W. school of "this is hard work." The polar opposite of gunners, these fools confound me because I have no idea what they were doing here. They question why they decided to go to medical school (that earns my ire, because it's so competitive and so many people want to go that you're just an a$$hole if you didn't spend some time thinking about it before you jumped on the wagon). They complain about how hard it is and how much work it is (this also earns my ire, since I have to spend hours resisting the urge to yell, "What did you think you were signing up for, basketweaving?")

And so on and so forth. I could keep doing this, but I know it's a bit dangerous to do this. Once you start making categories, people become categories and not people. Right now, I suppose I organize these people in my mind this way, but I try not to dismiss people because of it. Still, I get the same old sense I've been getting for the past five years. I thought, in the past, that it was a result of having this entirely different path I was on than those around me. I thought that was why I didn't feel close to anyone. But now, I really question that. Because it's the same deal- I don't really trust anyone around me, don't really toy with the notion of relying on anyone. Is it always going to be like this, I wonder, from here on out? It's not such a bad way to be, I know, but I suppose I never thought about it until now.