Thursday, May 11, 2006

my empire of dirt

I am catching my breath for a moment. My stomach has been tied in knots this week. I thought it might be due to the possible death of this television character:

However, when it turned out that he was out of peril (yay! me likey the Eko), I had to form a more realistic hypothesis. Now, my possible theories are:
  • My eating habits have deteriorated beyond the normal human range.
  • I haven't been drinking enough water because everything I drink has been caffeinated lately.
  • I am developing an ulcer from the juggling act.

Sadly, it is more likely the first two reasons than the third, even though it feels more like stress is to blame. I used to have serious issues with debilitating stomach aches when I first started elementary school in whitebread central. But that's a story for another day. And besides which, I really doubt my esophageal discomforts make for interesting reading.

This afternoon, I realized that I was supposed to go out on a blind date with a friend of MM's. She had contacted me about it a while back, and I had foolishly taken the path of least resistance, allowing her to pass on my email. I figured that I would probably never hear from the dude, or it would at least be a little while. Just to give a sense of how so not on top of it I am, it was not until this afternoon that I realized that the dude had emailed me about three weeks ago. And I had never emailed him back. For those of you keeping track at home, this puts the count at:
    brimful is an a$$hole: 68,947
    brimful has the occasional decent bone in her body: 0.0008

And let's face it- that is pretty generous. The hardest part about everything I am doing right now, really, is the part where I am letting everyone down. all. the. time. The reason I find it hard is that I have such an ugly reaction to it. The fault is all, undeniably mine. And do I simply appreciate that people are still nice enough to even still inquire after me at all? No- I find myself actually begrudging those I let down. You can add ten points to the a$$hole meter for that.

Since I am in the mood to just lay it all out there, let me say this too- I am woefully inconsistent as well. For example, I am taking time to blog right now, but not to email that blind date dude. I am able to manage seeing some friends, but have been a total disappearing act with others. I call the broseph almost every day, but still have not gotten around to calling my GBF to explain missing his birthday party last week. In my head right now, the a$$hole meter just broke in its mad ascent.

In the end, I am complaining about something that I have no intention of changing, which is probably the thing that really puts the a$$hole meter to infinity. What I am doing right now is everything to me. I have accepted that I am going to lose people, lose objects, possibly lose my mind. But I do not want to leave anything on the table. SP called me ruthless a few weeks ago, and it stung, but I had to bear the slap. I deserved it. I am and I will take the consequences of that singlemindedness.

But for all you amazing, foolish folks who have managed to tolerate me through this, allow me to repay you with something that always makes me feel better:

Thanks for not making him an idiot, JJ.

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