Friday, February 23, 2007

'cause I know you're living a lie

I have become exceedingly well-versed at the concept of lying by omission. It's become such that I wonder if I'll ever be able to return to just being a straightforward, honest person. Maybe I never was particularly honest, with myself, with others. But I've really tired of it, and I have a fear that I am just going to blurt everything out at some point.

For example, the big cheese knows I am leaving, because of The Goal, and that's all well and good, but she does not know the exact timing, and the exact timing is quite sooner than she might perceive it to be. Now, she never explicitly asked me for a ballpark date when I might want to leave, but I also did not offer up that information. Lie #1.

Or in another example, by and large, my friends do not know about this little venting space. And as a result, they have no clear idea of how I know various assorted bloggers, as I always mumble something vague and unintelligible when asked how I met them. Lie #2.

And lest you think you're off the hook, because I'm oh so honest here, I'm not. Various people have commented on wanting to know what The Goal is all about, and I've kept it close to the vest. I tell people I know IRL when I feel comfortable with them, but I remain conflicted about whether or not to articulate it fully here. So, there it is. Lie #3.

And you know, technically, no big deal, right? Nobody's business but my own, right? But not being truthful has a price. The more carefully guarded I keep these little pieces, the more fragmented I seem, the more unknowable. And in the end, you wind up feeling, while wholly self-sufficient, very much alone. That is okay right now, but at some point, I will go from a simmer to a boil. And maybe then a tidal wave of truth will sweep through my life.

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