the stillness still that doesn't end

A minor observation:

Walking around alone at 9pm in any respectable American city: totally chill.

Walking around alone at 9pm in EBF: totally creepy.

I'm not sure if I thought a killer deer was going to attack me, but what with the dim lights and the disturbing lack of noise, I am pretty sure my blood pressure was higher than it ought to have been for such a short walk.

It had just rained, which compelled me to walk to dinner at A Auntie's house. One of EBF's few saving graces is the smell of the air after a good rain. The pavement steamed, the smell of mulch and earth and hickory charcoal ripe in the air. My father originally planned to walk, but the rain scared him away- he kept saying that he got caught in a downpour while driving home, and he wasn't wanting to risk it on foot. Because that would be scary somehow? I'm not sure, the logic was clearly lost on me. Then, of course, after dinner, my father smirked as he asked if I wanted a ride home. And right on cue, rebellious Bad Indian Daughter syndrome kicked into effect, and I basically pouted, "Whateva, I do what I want!" and brazenly walked home in the dark.

It was so quiet and dark on the walk home that it was unsettling. Why do my parents constantly have their television volume set to 11 when you can hear a pindrop fall in EBF? The only sound that filled the air on my walk home was the sound of crickets chirping and leftover firecrackers in the distance. And somehow the street lamps were so dim that the road felt dark, but for the calm spark of fireflies here and there. Sure, the setting felt eerily similar to those on film that end with teenagers massacred- but in the real world, it was more foreign than anything else. Here is where I grew up, but there, the city, any city, there is where I feel more comfortable. I still can't figure out how that happened, and how it seems to have happened so irreversibly.

There are a lot of thoughts swirling in my head tonight, due to a conversation I had with RR that started with, "You know what your problem is?" You know you're in for it when that's the opening line. The thoughts keep turning in my head, because, in this case, RR was dead-on, sniper-skilled right. And I totally agree, and can see how it's a problem, and yet I do not know how to change it, or I don't know why I don't want to change it. And that has caused me to develop quite a headache all of a sudden. Maybe I can make sense of it and write something coherent about it another time. Maybe not.