Sunday, May 11, 2008

the way is clear if you're ready now

But isn't that a completely false lyric? If the way is truly clear, who would really hesitate? Maybe some people do, but it is hard for me to fathom. If anything, I am so impatient for clarity that I will sometimes hurtle myself headlong in the direction of the closest sign towards the right way.

And then I get on that road, and maybe you have had that feeling. You drive for some time and things start to seem unfamiliar. You have your doubts. But it's too early yet. You quell them, reasoning that it was night the last time you were driving this way, or maybe someone was in the car with you before, distracting you. You weren't paying attention to the signs then, is all, and that is why they provide no comfort to you now. So you keep driving, but as you continue, you get to wondering if it should really take so long. Did you miss some critical turn, are you now way off course?

What to do. You could stop to ask directions, if you knew exactly where you were headed. But maybe where you are headed is a place that no one else knows. You could turn around, go back to the safety of the retraced footsteps to the comfort home. But that seems an awful waste. Or you can keep driving, anxiously reading each sign, looking for the one that will allow you that breath of relief, that assurance that you are on your way.

I still do not know. I look for signs every day. I keep a keen eye for arrows telling me to move forward or go back. A sign that says 'Yes' or 'No' is not enough, will not do. I need arrows, I need movement. It is not enough to say, 'you're lost.' And then, of course, the problem with all of this is that I am waiting for Godot, waiting for something that will never come, that I don't even want to come. I would not listen anyway, I would not heed signs made by someone else. The only person who can steer me right is me, which is most unfortunate news. Certainly, I can consult a map, I can plot a path, I have a good sense of direction. But until I know where I am going, I will continue to drive along with a growing feeling of dread. So maybe the right lyrics should have been: "but I still haven't found what I'm looking for."

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