Wednesday, May 14, 2008

when all the answers, they don't amount to much

Not the best picture in the world, but if you'd like to see what Nutella ice cream looks like on a maiden voyage, check it here. Though there are a number of things I'm supposed to be doing right now, instead I keep thinking about Greek yogurt and honey and vanilla, and wouldn't it be nice all frozen and creamy?

Anyway. I have incorporated a healthy dose of vodka in my daily regimen, which probably has not helped my productivity any. But I just went for a very long stroll around the neighborhood, the temperature finally dipping down to a tolerable level. I never noticed, prior to this, how beautiful some of my neighborhood is. Granted, it is quite suburban. I'm not going to wax romantic about it like I could about San Francisco. But there are still things to admire, things to make you feel at home, things that make you want to go for a walk around the block.

I can't think of those things, specifically, at the moment, but I blame the Grey Goose on that. Oh yes. I may not be gainfully employed, I may be dwindling all savings away, but that is no reason to drink bad vodka.

It turns out I do not have a whole lot to write about today, because I am feeling ambivalent about a lot of things. I feel ambivalent that I have really seen no one today: while I like it now, I wonder if this is setting precedent for the next month. I feel ambivalent about politics, which people seem to have taken up talking about again, but I can't manage to feel idealistic enough about. I feel ambivalent about my family- on the one hand, I got a lovely phone call yesterday that was filled with effusions with I miss you and we need you, but on the other hand, I felt that tension of feeling needed and feeling like I just can't do what is required of me. I feel ambivalent about my future- I am happy in what I am doing, but every time I take any initiative, I am immediately disgusted by the competitive spirit that any small move seems to elicit in my classmates. I feel ambivalent about myself. I do not know what I have to offer anyone, and yet I feel like I deserve something such that I should not settle for anything less.

When I feel this ambivalent, it is best. Best to drink a vodka tonic. Best to contemplate sorbets and frozen yogurts and ice creams. Best to toy around with cooking vegetarian for a week rather than fixating on these matters that with myself I too much discuss. Otherwise, I'll convince myself the answer lies in words and poetry, when in fact, that path is rife with danger, danger, danger, Will Robinson.

At times like this, it is clear that some people embody peace and other people... well, other people are like me. Never quite at rest, never quite able to figure it all out, never quite quite, if you will. And I don't know why, suddenly, perhaps with too much time at my disposal, I am somehow conflicted about that. I wonder if people that are settled, entrenched in a nice steady pace of life, have similar moments of this is not my beautiful home at times. I hope so, honestly, or I shall never aspire to become one of them.

No comments: