Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I'm just standing in a doorway

Y'all, it's SJM's birthday! You could go wish him a happy birthday (well, for the next 1.5 hours or so), but fair warning- he might yell at you if you do. I got an ear-boxing for not visiting in a long time, or, well, ever, actually.

But let me tell you, it was the kind of scolding I needed today. That whole when it rains, it pours phenomenon took over recently and I suddenly had this wave of emotion this week, this questioning of whether I have anyone really on whom I can rely, or anyone that even welcomes my company. No worries, no pep talk required. I know I was being irrational, but that's the whole issue with emotions, after all-- they don't really respond to quit being crazy.

You just feel them. And sometimes, like today, I needed to just admit to the feeling. I think I had been exhausted by the constant fighting, the constant internal correction. No, that's not really how it is, I kept telling myself. But today I just stopped fighting. Because once I let myself really feel it, really feel sad and lonely for a little while, suddenly it was a lot easier to let it go, to be convinced that it would all be okay. Sometimes you just have to get reacquainted with sadness and loneliness, realize it's not the end of the world. And sometimes you have to push towards hyperbole in order to get back down to normal, or whatever passes for normal when it comes to me.

And then, under such circumstances, the gentle rear-kicking from SJM translated to a hug. I don't have an answer for him, of course. Going to the east coast may not be in the cards for me for some time (thanks, rocketing fuel prices!). But boy, who would have thought that on his birthday, SJM would wind up giving me a present?

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