this is your life, this is your time

As the senior resident and I were laughing for the better part of the afternoon, while I still managed to finish my work and get out of the hospital at a reasonably decent hour, I started thinking about the continuum that is internship. It sort of goes like this:

Holy #!@&!, I'm a doctor, and I don't know what I'm doing.

Why is this so hard?

How am I going to do this for three years?!?

Why don't I have better instincts?

How will I ever get any better at this?

Then this weird thing happens. It's just like when you get over someone after pining for them for years. It's just like when you don't particularly like someone, and all of a sudden, you catch a glimpse of them, and you see them in a different light. It's just like when you are totally exhausted from climbing a mountain, but still have to climb down from the mountain- arguably easier, but still exhausting. So then it turns into:

Holy #!@&!, in five months, I'm going to have to help some idiot like me figure out what she's doing!

Why does the senior resident insist on wasting my time?

What the heck is the senior resident doing right now anyway?

How can I be a second year resident if I still haven't done (fill in the blank) yet or learned how to (fill in the blank)?!?

The funny thing about all of that is this should be the sweet spot of internship. I'm of some use to the senior residents, I'm of some use to my patients. I'm even slightly of use to the medical students (though I think I mostly just entertain them at this point).

But there's just this endless push and worry, this push to be better and this worry of falling short. Of course, residency is designed such that falling short is inevitable. That's not much of a consolation, it's more of a frustration.

And my only reaction is to laugh and mumble oh well, oh well, oh well, oh well to myself. I am aware that I am becoming boring, boring, and yet, I madly want to become more boring, dive further, drown completely, immersed.