putting down my guard because I've been here before

Yesterday, when I got home, I was all about the Grumpy McB*tchypants. I was the Grinch who stole Halloween. And this is why I am one lucky b*tch. Every time I am on the verge of packing it all up and closing up shop, silencing the mindless blog-blab, something comes along and kicks me in the pants. In this case, it was a small package of excellent music.

But there was something in this package that really gave me pause. Aside from the obvious, visual aspect, does this blog always seem blue? I could not find fault with someone if they characterized my writing as such. I do whine a lot, oh, a lot. But, I am not actually sad that often. Even when I am wallowing in melancholy, it's not often that I am sad. I get nostalgic, I get swept away in moments or thoughts at times. Count on me to overanalyze the simplest of statements. Still, you could walk up to me on any given day, and it is likely that I would quote Old School before I would quote Morrissey.

Of course, after writing all that, I am about to dive into another somber thought that popped into my head yesterday during class. I was daydreaming in class about innate and adaptive immunity. Which, I guess, is better than daydreaming about Gael Garcia Bernal. Except not really.

Innate immunity is what you bring with you into a battle with viruses, bacterial infections. Or bad relationships, if you live in my head. Innate immunity is not a reaction that is specific to who you're fighting. It is who you are. It was with you all along. Some times, you did not know you had it in you until you are invaded. Innate immunity, surprisingly, even though it is not highly attenuated to a particular invader, is pretty adept at ridding you of most things. But with the pesky things, those relationships that hit you right where it hurts, the innate immune response will not do. It keeps things under control, keeps you from falling apart, but it is losing the war.

But that's where adaptive immunity comes in. This part of your immune system gets schooled. It started out naive, a blank canvas. When that first invasion happens, when you get slammed that first time, you recover thanks to your innate immune system. But behind the scenes, your adaptive immune system has been irrevocably altered in the process. You have realized this invader is no good for you, that it only brings you harm. Your adaptive immune system doesn't show it outwardly, but even when you're healthy, it's cursing under its breath never again, b*tches, never again. So much so that when that bad relationship virus comes along again, it launches an all-out offensive. It mounts a response faster and stronger than your innate system ever could have.

The thing about the adaptive immune system is that it doesn't last forever. Your body remembers earlier insults, but, just like our true memory, it forgets after a long time. So, we can conquer those previous bad influences swiftly, ferociously, as long as we can remember how bad they were for us. But should we forget, it's a big circle jerk. It is that thought that induces me to remember the things I would much rather erase from my memory.