it's impossible if possible

Dudes, I think I have serious issues when it comes to growing up. Last night, co-worker GBF was trying to corner me into admitting that I worry that time is running out. Thing is, I really don't worry about that much. I worry that time will run out, and I'll just keel over not having done all of the things I kept meaning to do. But that's not what he was talking about. He was talking about the things that everyone hopes will happen, but either happen or they don't. Those things, I just can't bring myself to worry over. Co-worker GBF even tried to use my ovaries against me, but I countered with, "I don't think that highly of my genetic information. I'm not attached to the idea of passing it along." He did not know what to do with that kung-fu, and yes, I am proud of horrifying him in this way.

But really, I am not a grown up. I don't own grown-up furniture, or live in a grown-up apartment, or invest my money like a grown-up, or dress in grown-up clothing. I have to wear a suit next week, and the thought has given me chest pain for the last several days. Perhaps the only grown-up trait I have developed is my inclination to drink grown-up alcohol, but even that, in not a particularly grown-up way.

And yet, I do not feel immature. Technically, to be immature is to exhibit less development than one should given his or her age or station in life. And that is just it. For my age, and more importantly, given my current position, I just do not think I should have to act any older than I do.

I think all of this has been weighing on my mind because I have been having an odd reaction to Silversun Pickups' Lazy Eye. The song is relatively new. Still, every time I have heard it, I am convinced I have been transported back in time, to some fantasyland where Gish was just released, Billy Corgan's ego had not yet expanded to the size of Chicago, and My Bloody Valentine was a new band I had just happened upon. And I can remember feeling exactly like these lyrics:

I've been waiting
I've been waiting for this moment all my life
but it's not quite right

It feels like a long time ago, and yet it feels like yesterday. It feels like a long time ago because that idea is very far away now: that idea of having such a high expectation and desiring something so much that nothing but disappointment can follow. And I know it was a long time ago, because I can think of that feeling, remember it with a twinge of ouch, but also smile at my ignorance. I had not quite learned to fall in love with imperfection yet.

But it feels like just yesterday because the lilting groove of the song betrays this sense of so much still left to unfold, so much still ahead. I haven't become quite so jaded. There are still things that I have been waiting for all my life. It's a bit different: I don't wait for them with the same anticipation, or with the unsettled feeling of the unknown, or as if they are inevitable. All of those things that may never happen, I wait for them still, am as open to them now as I was all those years ago. Maybe this is a long-winded way of saying I do not feel weighed down by a lot of baggage. If this makes me still a bit sheltered to the ways of the world, and in that way immature, so be it.