Saturday, September 30, 2006

Maryland and Virginia have faded away

I do not know what time it is now. Everything is off, dissonant, unsteady. And that is life, and I know it. But just now, for this moment, it feels overwhelming. Switching time zones, back and forth, trying to sound perky and hopeful one minute, hard-a$$ed and professional the next. Keeping selective secrets, and holding people at arm’s length. It’s as though I have already moved away from San Francisco, but did not say a proper farewell.

I will be back, I will be back, I say. I know this and don’t know this. I know I will return tomorrow, but I do not know if I will return permanently. So much depends on a red wheel barrow glazed with rain water beside the white chickens. I do not have a home, have never had a home. There are only the places where I feel like me, and the places where I feel like a ghost.

But what I have realized is that I feel like a ghost when I am being other than myself. And so, I reason, if I am doing what I have dreamed of doing, every place will feel like any place, and any place, I will feel like me. No more double life, double happiness to maintain.

I know, I know that I am actually, inarguably fortunate. I have such luxury to be able to navel gaze in this moment. And I know the moment will pass and I will not feel quite so disjointed. The moment will pass and I will know that however things turn out, there is still so much that lies ahead. If all the chunks of flesh I have sacrificed are not enough, I will cobble them together and write a tale of belly flops in three acts. If they are enough, I will sing you a song of my fortune. Either way, there will not be rest. It will not be easy. And thank every higher power and every one and every thing for that.

And now I sleep, so that I may wake up by 4:30 to catch a flight back to my other life. This moment has passed, and I urge you all to ignore this post entirely, and go give Anna your unswerving adoration and affection. She needs a big loan from the girl zone (the boy zone is allowed to participate as well). Would that I were three hours north rather than my current location, that I may have spent this day in the company of Anna, rather than exploring a town on my own, with too much time at my disposal, encouraging my self-absorptive ways.

No comments: