Friday, June 01, 2007

well I never got home, but I did what I did

Hey y'all. This one will be short, but I am going to get on a more regular blogging schedule next week, savvy? (and no, I have not and will not see the last installment of the POTC series, even though my lurve for Johnny Depp burns eternal).

I have made some decisions in the past twelve hours. This morning, I had a mini-meltdown, because I was feeling all of the same feelings I felt when I was an adolescent and stifled by the way my mother's personality directly poses a major problem to mine. Then I realized that I don't have to stay here, and I didn't have to come here, and that I don't have to get upset. Instead, what I have to do is channel this shizz into something useful. And I am not just talking about baking until the house goes up in flames. I mean, I am still going to bake, until someone plainly states that I must stop. But I also have lots of other things to do. I know how to get it back to good, and I don't know why there was a temporary reversion to the ignorance of adolescence. But enough.

Freedom was sort of forgotten, and would have remained forgotten, had it not been for last night. Yesterday afternoon, AL called me when I was in the throes of wtf am I doing in EBF, I spent my whole life trying to get out of this craphole and matter-of-factly suggested I meet up with him and some university buddies for dinner. At first I shooed this off as an impracticality, as it was an hour away, and these university buddies are minor acquaintainces of mine, not close friends.

But then I stopped myself, because I realized I was creating a way for myself to wallow in self-pity. So, I agreed to meet AL and company. And the drive up was lovely, lush and green, and it didn't seem so strange suddenly for a girl from EBF to love the line Green, how I want you green. I was reminded of the one thing that I loved about growing up here, the beauty that stares you in the face at the simplest moments. And I got to EBF++, was offered a Miller High Life, and said, "I'm all about the champagne of beers."

To which, the minor acquaintaince responded, "Who wouldn't be?"

And it was just for that moment that I knew, this is where I was from. Once upon a time, but there's the evidence, these simple little exchanges, words that might never have come out of my mouth in San Francisco, but words I had uttered and meant many times before. I knew this language, I knew how to fall into an easy rhythm. I didn't feel out of place even though I was, I am, very much so.

So this morning, upon having the mini-meltdown, I concluded, look, EBF has played its part, but you need not be traumatized by the parts you did not like, not anymore. I was kind of in a rage this morning, thinking I had come here to relax and that my ways of finding comfort were slowly being taken away from me, one by one. But then I decided not to be a pansy-a$$ victim.

And so it will all be fine and maybe even interesting. And there will be some escapes to other parts of the Northeast Corridor. Because this time is precious and I am done wasting it.

So, I know this post probably makes no sense, but then again, that is probably par for the course these days. However, I will relate the other part of the decisions made in the past twelve hours. I type this while holding my breath because I remain a bit ambivalent about whether I am choosing wisely. However, I have decided to stop playing coy and come clean. A lot of you already know anyway, but I have decided it's time to just explain the whole The Goal thang. Furthermore, for those of you that know what that is all about, there's still more I'm going to put out there. I've told you I moved out of San Francisco, but it's time (mostly because I've finally decided and it has finally become clear) to also discuss where it is I will be moving to in a brief bit of time.

You know... just so you'll maybe tune in on Monday.

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