Monday, March 23, 2009

nobody's listening

This is starting to feel futile. The song says ‘my patience still remains,’ but in fact I lack patience, always have. I was the kind of kid that got really good at the things I was already kind of good at: if it was hard, no thanks, moving on. It was easy to just conclude I should focus my efforts elsewhere because at that age there was still promise, there were still things I thought I was good at.

Then you get older and you push too hard, go too far, and realize that every part of you has it limits. You always fall short. You never measure up. It's physics, it's science, it's math, and it's poetry, it's the classics. You should know this by now.

And me, when I feel like this, I get tired of trying. A month ago, it all held such possibility. This is why I could never be a marathon-runner. I get this far along and just wonder what the point is anymore.

My legs feel like rubber, and my head hurts- it actually feels strained. I don’t want to think anymore. If I think anymore, I’ll start thinking and then everything will go to hell.

I want to say this is all meaningless. I want to say none of this defines me. I want to say none of it matters. It’s just a hoop, you jump through it, you move on. I want to be that zen. But it would be a lie, is the problem.

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