Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I like driving backwards in the fog

The tough part of my week is behind me, better days lie ahead. You cannot ask for a better Wednesday than that. I had a flurry of realizations recently, which I attribute to being focused on one thing. I find when I'm focused on one thing, all the other random thoughts that usually distract me are working themselves out in the background. Some times. Other times, the focus just leads to be acting like a crazy person. It's often difficult to distinguish between a realization and a psychotic break, at least in my world. Here are some of the random things that occurred to me:
  • I don't actually despise my work. I am not fulfilled by it, and some times it seems to be sucking me of verve. But, there are many things about it that are fab. For one thing, I am able to pay my rent every month without going hungry. For another, my employer is actually a pretty fascinating company that does interesting things. It's only my specific cog in the wheel that is rather dull. And our CEO is bizarre in the best way possible. A short while back, he sent out a scathing e-mail to the entire senior staff about powerpoint presentations and the use of jargon. He then spent his entire weekend constructing electronic cards with consultant-speech catchphrases that piss him off. We are supposed to print these cards out and use them like Bingo cards at meetings. That is so eccentric and random that I, predictably, lurve it. This is particularly cause for the warm fuzzies because I do not work at a small start-up business, but at a corporation. Of course, this could all be cause for the cold oh-crappies if my employer catches me writing about them, so I think it best to shut up now.

  • While it is true that I had to take classes to get where I want to go, they had a special value in and of themself. It will have to be the topic of an entire, overly analytical post on its own, but I have come to see that I used to have a Rosetta stone, something I could rely on for understanding. It was that which held me steady. I pulled the rug out from underneath myself many years ago, and finally my feet are hovering close to the ground. If you ask me what I believe in, what I rely on, what pulls me out of darkness and gloom, this is it: science.

  • As a friend, I am really only about 50/50 in terms of value. On the one hand, I will give it to you straight and support you. On the other hand, that support has an expiration date. I do not fit in the long-suffering friend category. I am also woefully bad about being accessible at times. So, I think it is, in some ways, a question of consistency. I am an inconstant friend, but I think that is how life is. Some times, you are in a circumstance where a certain sort of person will have an affinity for what you're going to. But that circumstance will pass, and that person will inevitably drift away. I am also inconsistent about my devotion to friends. Some years, when I have the luxury of time, I am all about the holidays and shopping and presents and thoughtfulness. Other years (ahem, cough, cough), I am total crap.

  • This shows what a weirdo I am, but whenever I give blood, I feel really boring. When you give blood, you are asked a series of questions about your lifestyle. They include things like, "Have you ever had sex with a man who has had sex with another man?" "Have you ever injected yourself with drugs?" "Have you ever had sex with someone who has injected themselves with drugs?" "Engaged in sex for drugs or money?" These questions are always fired off in monotone, artillery-style procession. And I just can't stop myself from thinking man, I really don't get out enough.

  • The extroverts I know are held to a certain standard. Even though it is in their nature to be outgoing and around people, they have to appreciate a little time to themselves. They have to be able to be alone. I realized recently that I don't hold my introverted friends to the same standard. I let them get away with oh I can't go out with those party-people, because that is totally not my scene, and it would tire me just being around them excuses. That is not right. Just because you are an extrovert, you don't get a free pass to be clingy/needy. So it should follow that just because you are an introvert, you should not get special dispensation to sit at home watching the paint peel rather than conversing with other humans.

Yes, I know, say it with me now: DUH on all fronts. What can I say? I am slow.

No comments: