Friday, April 21, 2006

it's the one thing

The perfect cure to a crappy work week is not actually large quantities of Hangar One (sorry, khakra, I love the stuff, but mere alcohol doesn't thrill me at all... at least today). Instead, today, I left work early in order to pursue the Goal. On this beautiful San Francisco day, I spent most of my afternoon indoors, but I could feel the sun shining on my face the whole time.

It takes an afternoon like this to realize that in life, I am actually well blessed and mostly happy. It took the negation of the one thing that is sucking my soul dry to once again recognize that fact. I overlayed the antidote to my job this afternoon. The antidote to my job is not a vacation. A vacation is a break: it's a treatment, not a cure. The antidote to my job is the job.

The timing was impeccable. I had been feeling rather ambivalent about my decision to be rational about quitting my job. Most of my ambivalence was related to a swirl of doubt winding around in my brain for the last week. I have been so run down this week that I have kept asking myself- Is there really any point in pursuing the completely unattainable? Even if I am able to work 40 hours a week, do I really have any chance of getting everything done? And even if I do everything that can be, is it not all futile? And why am I stuck on this anyway? Isn't it only the few fortunate ones who get to do something they really love for a living? A thousand doubts, creating endless static, crackling so loudly that I could not sleep last night.

And today, I walked out into the sunlight at the end of the afternoon, and the streets were abuzz with activity and chatter. But I heard nothing. Everything was silent. Only one thought- this is what I have to do. I know, in some ways, that I avoided exposing myself to this until today, because I knew this feeling would seize me. It is slightly scary, to want something so intensely. From such great heights, the fall will hurt like a b*tch.

But today, I do not feel vertigo. I have a temporary set of wings, and I am floating on air.

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