Tuesday, July 25, 2006

strange days indeed

All afternoon, I have had a pit in my stomach. At first, I thought it was excitement, since the potential job switch is starting to show signs of really manifesting. Nothing happens swiftly in the corporate world though, so even if it comes to fruition, it will not be until September. But, perhaps the excitement and anxiety (hello, un-updated CV!) was having its way with me.

Then I thought the stomach churning had to do with an angry email I got from a cousin. He was infuriated that I had mentioned, at the family reunion, that he danced at my brother's graduation party (oh, and of note, this was over fifteen years ago, when my cousin was four) "all graceful like an ice skater." It was true, y'all. I could have gone further, and retold tales of how he also had a fondness for dressing up in saris and whatnot, but I really was not trying to embarass him. Of all the ways I could have put it, I did not think the ice skater remark was going to cause the San Andreas fault to rip open, but apparently it did. Out came the news that, guess what, I was not alone in being scarred by the family cruise. From this, I can only gather that my entire family is messed up, not just me.

Still with the stomach ache. Maybe it was the momentum getting ahead of me. It is like the adrenaline rush that arrives too early, before your legs are actually ready to run. There has been momentum towards The Goal, but I am one impatient pain in the a$$. So the progress has not felt fast enough. The uncertainty still plagues me, as I wonder if I have what it takes, if it is too late, or whether this will all work out.

All afternoon, though, the impending ulcer continued. It might appear that I'm manic, but actually, sometimes it just seems that life does switch gears on me frequently, one moment recklessly pleasant, the next careening downward. And this thing with my cousin and some other bad feelings combined to force me to ponder how many people are angry at me for reasons I could never have guessed. Am I really such a heartless b*tch? Oh, people, the answer is yes, because my final analysis led to this conclusion: suck it up and deal. All the same, my body was not cooperating with my mental state: this unsettled stomach thing was really starting to bother me.

And then I remembered: I haven't eaten anything since breakfast at 7.

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