Thursday, November 30, 2006

but maybe you should plug it with a beer

There is something I have not mentioned in all the commotion. Actually, I have not mentioned it because the commotion overshadowed it. I think that is the true mark of being happy- that the perturbations of life fail to sway you out of glee.

It has been cold here lately, unseasonably it seems, though it is nothing compared to the cold climes in which I was raised. I have turned into a wimp over time. But I enjoy a brisk walk in such biting chills. Last Saturday, I wrapped my favorite and warmest scarf around my neck several times, grabbed my jacket, and walked to the Castro Theatre. It is a pretty solid half-hour walk from my house, which I rather enjoy, despite always winding up late as a result of foolish optimism. On that particular night, within three blocks, I was warm.

I love walking down Valencia Street on the weekend (but then you all probably knew that already). It is not the same as walking around Manhattan at night, but it is not shabby. The street is alive, the hipsters are out and about, and the Marina folk are not trashed and sloppy yet. I like darting my eyes into the windows, seeing which restaurants and bars are filled and which have a few die-hard locals. The bookstores are casually closing shop. Even all the dirt and grime, all of it is welcome, infuses a sense of being that I will never adequately explain.

By the time I got to the Castro, I was in perfect spirits, still soaring about The Goal and now toasty from the walk. When I met JI at the bar, I barely stopped to say hello before ordering a drink from the handsome (it's the Castro) bartender.

When JI got to chatting about our days, I told her the highlight of mine had been the walk over to meet her. Hers, on the other hand, had been lunch with SC. I know- based on previous accounts, some of you are cringing just seeing those initials. And I am not going to lie. When she told me that she had lunch with SC, I felt as though I had momentarily been punched in the gut. After that, I had a moment of feeling really annoyed with co-worker GBF, who I decided was full of stuff and nonsense.

And then the next moment, it passed through my mind completely. Maybe that's because the alcoholic beverage appeared at that moment. But maybe it's because it did not really matter that much. You would think logic would not really play a part at such a moment, but my brain rattled off like a computer:
    Should I be upset?
    Do I like him?
    Maybe- especially after co-worker GBF encouraged it.
    Should I be upset with co-worker GBF?
    But maybe co-worker GBF was just mistaken.
    Yeah. Or maybe SC just didn't think I was interested.
    Yeah, and besides, JI seems to like him.
    Right, and plus, dude, I am so happy- something this inconsequential cannot phase me.
    Yeah- there's nothing to be upset about!

And then the brain just shut that sh*t down. Really. I truly bore no one ill will. SP asked me about it when I talked to her this week, and she was completely dissatisfied with my lack of rage about it. She wanted me to be upset and hysterical, but really, why? Then she tried to blame it on me not showing enough interest. And I shrugged that off as well.

Because, dudes, as Popeye says, I yam what I yam. And, boy, am I happy right now. Honestly, I have neither the patience nor the inclination to coax someone into appreciating that.

Then co-worker GBF told me today that it was all an awkward situation and that SC remains interested. Do you know what my response to that was? Yep. I shrugged that sh*t off too.

Happiness makes a person invincible in the game, y'all. That's all I'm trying to say.

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