dreaming my dreams with you

I laugh in tears and hope in despair
I cheer up in sad hopelessness
I’m joyful and no pleasure’s anywhere
I’m powerful and lack all force and strength
Warmly welcomed, always turned away.

That is how I have felt almost the entire time I have been writing here for the past few years. I have been a walking contradiction, a bundle of doubts and insecurities. And those of you who have stuck with it from the beginning have borne it all with impressive tolerance and grace.

If my last post was cryptic, it was because I was tongue-tied and useless, weak-kneed and brainless, unable to speak plainly. There is another reason too. It is because naming something The Goal was always meant to be a little tongue-in-cheek. It makes it sound lofty and grand, like I am training for the Iron Man. I gave it the moniker because, in my world of self-absorption, it was blown up to such melodramatic proportions. But truthfully, The Goal is not some massive accomplishment, nor is it even novel. It’s only this- it means a lot to me.

And after all, that is the absurdity of the blog- to write about the very slight and very small as if it were the very momentous and very enormous. I owe so much of my sanity to everyone who has read this nonsense and gone one step beyond putting up with it- you have sent sweet emails, you have left supportive comments, you have cheered me on along the way.

Now I am left trying to figure out what more there is to say, what more there is to share. There is so much to write and nothing at all to write. Right this moment, I can only write the reasons The Goal has meant something to me:

• I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when my fear is gone I will turn and face fear’s path, and only I will remain. This, from a complete coward, after the sting of a spectacular bellyflop, I will always hold dear.
  
  
• There is a chance that I am on a path that will find me earning a living doing something I truly enjoy, rather than something that pays the bills.
  
  
• I shall have to leave behind this city, this city that in so many ways gave me everything I needed to make this happen in the first place. By the middle of next year, I will have to bid it farewell, but I will never forget what it has done for me.

It is, truly, no matter what The Goal is/was. Everyone has their something. But ah, to get that which you have wanted for so long, that which you have devoted so much of your blood, sweat and tears, well, that matters. That matters quite a lot.