retreating behind these lines

I'm having some trouble writing lately. There is a nice mix of contributing factors, but they can all be summed up as freaking the f*ck out. About a lot of stuff. I have so much work to do that I fear I am going to get fired, and then I have to actually stop and remind myself that I would actually be happy to be sh*t-canned right now. Hello, severance!

No matter how many boxes I mail out and bags of junk I donate to the Salvation Army, the crack house still seems cluttered, and my cousin K visits in just over a week. But really, the clutter is something of a commentary. I'm feeling claustrophobic and agoraphobic at once. I feel a little suffocated right now by too many demands, and a little paralyzed by too many open, lingering tasks that need to be addressed.

And I'll admit to this- I'm worried that I am losing my voice here. I want to force myself to write something down, every day, and that was kind of the point of this whole exercise in vanity. But right now, I feel like a bit of a mute. I feel like there are many whispers pulsing through my brain, single sentences overlapping and crossing each other that would not make any sense if I strung them together and typed them out here. I know what they mean, sort of, but there seems to be too much to explain.

A writing instructor used to advise me: write what you know. I know some things, but I need to think about how I came to know them, and how I can articulate them. The how, the what, the why, they require some introspection. And it seems I have no time for that right now. Right now, I just want to break all the clocks and have a few moments of real stillness.

But that's not reality, and I know I am being childish. There's nothing more annoying than people complaining about things that are a simple fact of life. Time passes, things have to happen, and they do. Ultimately, I will be okay, of course, of course, but these fleeting statements in my brain keep telling me what I have gained and what I have lost, and it seems like I should be able to make sense of it all. But just now, I can't, and maybe that is what is bothering me.