Tuesday, March 27, 2007

we can learn like the trees, how to bend, how to sway and say

Of late, these posts have been getting strangely opaque. I'm noting it, but not really changing it right now. There have been some things that have crawled under my skin recently, that have gnawed at me a bit, and I've huddled into a corner to process. It is probably strange that I can't just have an instinctual response, a spontaneous reaction. Well, that's not quite accurate- I have the reaction, but I don't voice the reaction. Instead, I take that reaction into the caverns of my head, sit that reaction down and circle it, peering at it with curiosity, treating it to the Spanish Inquisition. Is it a valid reaction? Is it warranted? How much of the reaction is a natural reaction, and how much of it has to do with something else entirely? Is the reaction more to do with my current state than anything else? Should I get rid of this reaction? Can I get rid of this reaction?

To date, all I've come up with is- this is f***ing exhausting.

But all the same, I have to say that I overcame great odds today. You see, there is this natural instinct I have to just dispose of nuisances. Someone upsets me deeply? I take stock, determine said someone is not worth keeping around, and cut them out with a surgeon's precision. But that is cold and unfeeling and a terrible way to live. And today I resisted every urge to give San Francisco a big F*** YOU, resisted the urge to burn the mother down, resisted the urge to smash every light. I couldn't believe it, but I managed to take a deep breath, exhale, and forgive. Without drama. I don't have much time left here, and I finally amassed the required maturity to see that being a little gentle is the best way to slide out of here, slide with ease instead of vengeance.

Vengeance, after all, is a firecracker. It feels good to light a thing on fire, hear it crackle, watch it spark. But it can take out your eye, and besides which, it's short lived, and then you just have a soot-covered wrapper. Right now, the softness of candle light is a better alternative.

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