Thursday, August 31, 2006

I don't feel like dancing

I have come far to have found nothing
or to have found that what was found
was only to be lost, lost finally
in that absence whose trace is silence.

--Cid Corman

I have been getting some good news of late, but it has somehow seemed not good enough. This certainly, undoubtedly makes me a malcontent in need of an attitude adjustment. And I really do try to slap myself back into shape when I skew off into the blue like this. But here in this little place of low readership, just let me wallow for a moment. Maybe it is a point that any traveler encounters. The point in the journey at which everything comes into question, asking: is this all for nothing? Later, come the rationalizations, that even if things do not go as planned, all of this can never be nothing- it has to be something, even if it was not the something that was hoped for. Conservation of matters asserts its demands.

But right now, let me just have a little black hole, a little vortex of despair for no good reason. Maybe it is just allergies messing with my brain, fogging my senses up so that I do not see a good thing when it is staring me in the face. Maybe it is drama that keeps getting thrown in my direction when all I ever want to do is live without such disturbances of the peace. Maybe it is self-loathing, because I can be almost good, but never quite good enough, always, always imperfectly flawed.

Solution: stop obsessively checking email, and go have a glass of wine with A N N A.

Silver lining: the contestant I most loathe on Project Runway got the boot last night. Oh, and she did not just get the boot. She was flown all the way to Paris so that she could have a tres French fashion designer with deliciously wicked 'tude kick her to the curb. And Michael Kors told her the outfit she designed made her look homeless. Ah, the b*tchiness, it is much needed right now.

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