maybe below the cockles

I have figured out the one, nagging thing that is really bothering me about life at the moment. It can be boiled down to this: I perpetually feel like an a$$hole, though I don't feel that I actually am an a$$hole. And then getting annoyed with being made to feel like an a$$hole just makes me feel like an even bigger, well, a$$hole.

Sorry for all the expletives. But I don't know how to say this without being an a$$hole. And that's the problem. I feel like all the thoughts in my head are a$$hole thoughts, and, worse than that, I don't feel like not having such thoughts.

I wish everyone would act like adults. I wish everyone would stop complaining. I wish everyone would stop talking about their feelings- we have all known each other for less than 3 weeks, I do not feel like we should be that comfortable with sharing intimate details of our lives. And most of all, oh, most of all, I wish people would stop saying that we are supposed to build deep and meaningful relationships with each other.

Maybe that's not the answer. Maybe it's like a protein folding. A protein has certain parts of it that have an affinity for water, and other parts that do not (I know I'm simplifying, biology geeks, ease up). But water outnumbers proteins, so water wins. A protein, so as not to ruin the state of water, folds itself up, tucks away the sides that water does not care for. All that water sees is the surface of the protein, the parts that it likes, and so the protein goes unnoticed.

And that is fine and good. I know I have been air-dropped into an ocean right now, and that trying to unfold in this environment is just not going to happen. I don't even care if no one here ever finds out about my hidden, hydrophobic residues. But let me have those. Let me feel it is okay to seek out some other proteins that have some hydrophobic shizz going on, and hang with them.

Don't tell me I actually have to become water to swim in the ocean. Because I call bullsh*t. And you see, that makes me an a$$hole.