Monday, January 03, 2005

and the meaning, it gets left behind

I've given it some thought now, and have decided where my money is going, and it's going here, for reasons too banal for me to post at the moment. Though they have owned up to receiving enough funding for relief in SE Asia, I just think of it as a wake-up call, that there are organizations out there doing good, that need general support. The thing that worries me most about all regions that were effected by the tsunamis now is the matter of clean water. Lack of clean water can have a devastating effect on a population, and is often overlooked as critical in the road to recovery from these types of disasters. And SOBs, as much as I want to hate my current place of employment, and Sandra Bullock for that matter, they both donated heavily to the Red Cross. So, as Ali G would dutifully acknowledge, Respekt.

For some reason, perhaps because it's the beginning of the year and everyone seems to be making plans and resolutions, I was thinking of this phase I went through some years back. Basically, it was my conquer the fear phase of life. I went to lengths in the name of overcoming my timidity. I took lessons and passed the motorcycle driving test just because the idea of riding a bike by myself seemed thoroughly insane. My friend B and I flew a tiny Cessna in the OC (,bitch- I don't know what it is, but I can't say or write the word OC without following it up with bitch, sorry). On the day that turbine tests get the Kennebec River into a particular frenzy, I went whitewater rafting. If I was out with my friends, and one was eyeing a guy, I would go up to the guy and ask him if he would like to meet my friend. Basically, anything that might have given me pause, anything that scared me whatsoever, I ran towards, open-armed, determined to embrace.

Yeah, it was a little insane, but it was also healthy, I think. When you grow up thinking the biggest risk in the world is coming home 30 minutes late after an illicit date, some perspective is in order. On the other hand, I was thinking today about how the conquer the fear bug has become something of a pasttime nowadays. I started to think about how so many people go bungee jumping or hop out of a plane on the weekends... and it made me realize I kind of got over all of that somehow. I worry that, if I lingered in that phase of mine, I might have continually done all these extracurricular "bond"-ly things, but I wouldn't have looked at the things I really need to consider. Fear: I'm scared to jump out of a plane. Solution: I jumped out of a plane. Outcome: I win. But that's really simplistic. The true fears are a lot more difficult to conquer. For example, fear: It's too late to do something meaningful. Solution: Try. Try again, then try once more and harder. Try from a different angle, try with a new arsenal. Keep trying. Outcome: Uncertain. Not quite as tidy. But the thing is, I have to admit, I'd rather be doing that than starring in my own personal version of Fear Factor.

Quandary of the day (which made me remember that there was this coworker whose name was Jo Qwan, and we always referred to said coworker as the Qwan-dary... because we are idiots with little mirth to fill our dull lives): I'm supposed to meet up with friends for dinner on Wednesday evening. But that means missing Lost and the season premiere of the crappiest show that I can't stop watching. I was tempted to try to reschedule the dinner. Except, I have this really strict rule about not cancelling social events based on an effin' television show. Naveen, please don't die, that's all I'm asking.

Bond move of the day (and yeah, I am just going to keep using the word bond until it catches): I invited my friends to brunch at my shoddy little apartment on Sunday, even though the apartment is currently in a state of complete and utter disarray. A December filled with the flu, gift wrapping, packing, mailing, and traveling will do that to you... or me, as the case may be. Oh well, I figure this will be a nice way to force myself to clean the place up. Also, I think my friends were starting to suspect that I actually lived in my car, since I have evaded all attempts to enter my abode heretofore.

I have to come full circle, and just end with these lines, which say so much, and so much better than I ever could:
the ocean is full because everyone's crying
the full moon is looking for friends at high tide
the sorrow grows bigger when the sorrow's denied
I only know my mind
I am mine
and the meaning, it gets left behind
all the innocents lost at one time
significant behind the eyes
there's no need to hide
we're safe tonight

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