somebody's gotta be there with a plan

Sunday, after a weekend of general carousing and distraction, I settled down over brunch with two friends and dolefully reflected on the fact that bad news is sure to befall me in the coming months. They sat, exchanging glances with each other, each trying to prod the other into coming up with inspirational words. Some times, I wish I was not so negative. People say that, if you're too negative, it turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy. That might be true, but some times, it's also good protection. When you want something so badly that you can palpably experience pangs of pain in your chest thinking about it, you have to think about self-preservation. You have to be realistic, and talk yourself into being okay with a negative outcome.

I don't apologize for brooding, but I do apologize for brooding around friends. There's nothing they can do, and it only makes them feel uncomfortable, to see someone they care about flailing and be without the means to throw them a life vest. Furthermore, I think brooding about the same thing for too long is a bad idea, especially when it's something largely out of my control at this point. So. I finally made a New Year's resolution. I know I won't keep it through the whole year, but I want to keep it until the bad news I'm expecting comes my way and delivers the inevitable sucker punch. I've resolved to go out far more often than I currently do. And movies and dinner do not count. To that end, I'm going to this on Saturday night. I'm just trying to be dedicated.

This resolution was also made to take one for the team, in a manner of speaking. My friend S has been down in the dumps about not meeting the one. I have to say, of all my friends who are single, she's the only one where her single-dom really boggles my mind (or not so much singledom, but the fact that she hasn't gone on a date in a long while). My conclusion has been that she just works so hard that she never gets out, because anyone who knows her thinks she should have men lined up around the corner for her. However, some of her friends have been advising her with really awful pointers like these:

• Go on match.com, and approach it like a part-time job, i.e. do nothing but go out on blind dates and work. My question is: if all you do is go out on blind dates and work, what are you going to talk about on your date?
  
• When you meet a guy, send him an e-mail within the next 48 hours asking him if he'd like to go out some time, regardless of whether a) he has given you his e-mail, or b) he has made it clear that he would be receptive to such an offer.
  
• Do not hang out with any married people, or people in relationships. If a person is not single, they're wasting your time.

I listen to this stuff and have the Zoolander I feel like I'm on crazy pills response. So, I've decided that I need to counteract this. I'm certainly no dating guru, but I know enough to know that these pointers are going to get my friend into a heap of trouble and bitterness if left unchecked. So, I'll be her "wing girl"- I will drag her out with me, and chat up potential suitors, talking up my girl. And if I make it happen, I'll brag about it until I'm 90. Just so you know.

(Note that all of the above is really just a ruse for me to feel noble about partying like it's 1999.)

Also, note to Peyton Manning: you're going down, my friend, if there is any justice in the world.